How to Use Nonviolent Communication in Difficult Conversations

What is the nonviolent communication model? And how are leaders using NVC principles to manage conflict? Here's a summary with examples of how to apply this communication technique to increase the odds of getting your needs met. 

Key Takeaways

• Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a practical framework for expressing needs and resolving conflict with empathy.
• It breaks down communication into four components: observations, emotions, universal needs, and requests.
• Using NVC can help leaders have difficult conversations without criticism or defensiveness.
• Emotional literacy and understanding your own needs are foundational to successful NVC.
• This guide includes real-world examples, best practices, and scripts tailored for startup teams and leaders.

“We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think, and feel,”―Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication

All my biggest regrets are around not having difficult conversations sooner. I could have helped team members improve faster, fired people with the wrong fit earlier, had so many more productive meetings. I could have created a more open company culture.

I was guilty of making excuses: ‘It will sort itself out.’; ‘They’ll eventually stop doing it.’; ‘There are more important things to focus on.’ Of course, delaying these conversations always made things worse. And, sometimes, it even led to crises.

The Side-Effect of Empathy

Empathy means tuning in to the feelings of others. Like many founders, I’ve always had a lot of empathy for people — after all, founders focus their lives on understanding the feelings and needs of their customers.

But when it comes to difficult conversations, I’ve found that empathy has a side-effect. I can get so focused on how the conversation might affect the other person’s feelings that I lose sight of why the conversation is needed in the first place.

Without a healthy amount of ‘self-empathy’, we often find that our own needs, and the needs of the business, take the passenger’s seat.

What is Nonviolent Communication?

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a framework developed by Marshall Rosenberg to improve empathy, reduce conflict, and build stronger relationships. It involves four key components: observations, emotions, needs, and requests.

Nonviolent Communication (also called NVC or non-violent communication) is a language that helps you to be honest and express your desires, without criticising, insulting, or putting down other people. It's also one of the most powerful communication techniques I've ever learned.

At the core of NVC is a straightforward communication pattern:

When ____[observation], I feel ____[emotion] because I’m needing some ____[universal needs]. Would you be able to ____[request]?

At first glance, this looks easy. But in practice, it’s extremely difficult to pull off. To grasp the complexity, NVC makes some subtle but critical distinctions:

Understanding these nuances is key to handling difficult conversations. Let’s go through each of the four components step-by-step. 

3. Universal Needs vs. Strategies

Nonviolent communication asserts that all human beings share the same universal needs and that behind every negative emotion lies an unmet need. This powerful idea is foundational to NVC. 

The pairing of emotions with universal needs has a transformative effect in difficult conversations. Common universal needs that come up a lot include:

Not everything that follows the words, ‘I need’ is a universal need. You can say, ‘I need a sandwich,’ but that doesn’t mean sandwiches are a universal need. NVC distinguishes between our universal needs and the strategies that would meet those needs. Eating a sandwich is a strategy to meet your need for nourishment.

4. Requests vs. Demands

What is the difference between a request and a demand? Both are strategies that would meet an unmet need. But unlike demands, requests are invitations for the other person to meet our needs — but only if it isn’t in conflict with one of their needs.

There are three principles that can help you make clear requests:

The 40-Word Rule (with Examples)

During difficult conversations, aim to describe your observations, feelings, needs, and requests in fewer than 40 words. This keeps the message strong and avoids justifying or diluting your point.

To a co-founder: ‘When you said, “I’m not happy with your work,” in front of the team, I felt embarrassed because I value recognition. Could we set up a weekly one-on-one to give feedback in private?’

To an investor: ‘I haven’t received responses to the last three monthly updates. I’m feeling concerned because I need input. Could you respond to the questions I asked in the last update?’

To a teammate: ‘You arrived 10 minutes late to the last three team meetings. I feel frustrated because we need efficiency. Could you help me understand what’s going on?’

How to React When Your Request is Met with ‘No’

Even with careful preparation, a request can be met with resistance or defensiveness. That’s your cue to shift gears into empathy and curiosity.

Just as you uncovered your needs ahead of the conversation, now it’s time to wonder about theirs. How are they feeling? What needs are they protecting?

As Marshall Rosenberg said, “Empathy is the gift of hearing someone without taking it personally.”

Boundaries and Consequences

Sometimes, despite our best efforts, needs are still not met. This is when boundaries and consequences come into play — not to punish, but to protect what matters most.

For example, if a salesperson repeatedly misses quota, you might say: “I need effectiveness. If results don’t improve this quarter, we’ll need to explore other roles.”

Protective consequences help clarify your standards while maintaining compassion.

Compassionate Communication

The art of compassionate leadership is in being able to empathise with others while also empathising with yourself. This helps you to communicate more directly, and to better manage healthy conflict. It can even make you a better designer, marketer, and salesperson.

I still feel vulnerable when exposing my emotions. It still takes time to identify what I need. And it’s still easier to identify what I don’t want than what I do want. But I’m persevering, and it’s having a massive impact on my relationships, by making difficult conversations just that little bit easier.

Continue learning about NVC and difficult conversations

• Do you have a conflict in the team? Learn how to resolve conflicting points of view with nonviolent communication.
• How do you encourage more difficult conversations? Here's a guide to drastically increase the amount of feedback in your company.
• Do you need to ask for something hard? Here's a format to help you make a difficult request.
• Want to go deeper? Explore Marshall Rosenberg’s book or watch his workshop on YouTube.

Originally published Sep 4, 2019, last updated Apr 18, 2025.